NVC Notes

"What I want in my life is compassion, a flow between myself and others based on a mutual giving from the heart."

—Marshall B. Rosenberg, PhD

GIVING FROM THE HEART

1. NVC Process - The four components

1. Observations — The concrete actions we observe that affect our well-being

2. Feelings — How we feel in relation to what we observe

3. Needs — The needs, values, desires, etc. that create our feelings

4. Requests — The concrete actions we request in order to enrich our lives

Flow:  See → Feel → Need → Ask

2. Two parts of NVC

• Expressing honestly through the four components

• Receiving empathically through the four components

3. Summary

NVC helps us connect with each other and ourselves in a way that allows our natural compassion to flourish. It guides us to reframe the way we express ourselves and listen to others by focusing our consciousness on four areas: what we are observing, feeling, and needing, and what we are requesting to enrich our lives. NVC fosters deep listening, respect, and empathy and engenders a mutual desire to give from the heart. Some people use NVC to respond compassionately to themselves, some to create greater depth in their personal relationships, and still others to build effective relationships at work or in the political arena. Worldwide, NVC is used to mediate disputes and conflicts at all levels.

COMMUNICATION THAT BLOCKS COMPASSION

Life-alienating communication:

Certain ways of communication that alienate us from our natural state of compassion

1. Moralistic Judgments

Definition: Language that disconnects us from our own and other's feelings and needs. Moralistic judgments occur when we label people as wrong or bad because their actions don't align with our own values, rather than naming the unmet need directly.

Example phrases:
"The problem with you is that you're too selfish."
"She's lazy."
"They're prejudiced."
"It's inappropriate."

• Each phrase evaluates the person, not the need, framing a mismatch in values as a moral failing.
• Blame, insults, put-downs, labels, criticism, comparisons, and diagnoses are all forms of judgment.

Broader Example:
Judgment: "Violence is bad. People who kill others are evil."
Need-based: "I am fearful of the use of violence to resolve conflicts; I value resolving human conflicts through other means."

2. Making Comparisons

Core idea: Comparing yourself to others is a form of judgment that breeds misery and blocks compassion — for both self and others.

Source: Dan Greenburg, How to Make Yourself Miserable — uses humor to expose comparison's hidden power over us.

Premise: Want a miserable life? Learn to compare yourself to other people.

Exercise 1 – Physical Beauty

• Shows full-length images of an "ideal" man and woman (contemporary media standards)
• Reader takes own body measurements, compares to the "ideal" numbers superimposed on the images
• Told to dwell on the differences
  

Result: instant misery — the exercise works exactly as promised

Exercise 2 – Achievement (the "real" test; Exercise 1 was just a warm-up)

• Rationale given: physical beauty is superficial — achievement matters more
• Gimmick: names pulled at random from the phone book
• First name: Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart
• Lists languages Mozart spoke and major works composed by his teens
• Reader told to compare their own current achievements to what Mozart had done by age 12

Again told to dwell on the differences

Takeaway: Even in this playful, exaggerated form, comparative thinking shows how effectively it undermines compassion — both toward oneself and toward others.

TAKING RESPONSIBILITY FOR OUR FEELINGS

The Needs at the Roots of Feelings:

The following are some of the basic human needs we all share:

• Autonomy

1. to choose one’s dreams, goals, values
2. to choose one’s plan for fulfilling one’s dreams, goals, values

• Celebration

1. to celebrate the creation of life and dreams fulfilled
2. to celebrate losses: loved ones, dreams, etc. (mourning)

• Integrity

1. authenticity
2. creativity
3. meaning
4. self-worth

• Interdependence

1. acceptance
2. appreciation
3. closeness
4. community
5. consideration
6. contribution to the enrichment of life (to exercise one’s power by giving that which contributes to life)
7. emotional safety
8. empathy
9. honesty (the empowering honesty that enables us to learn from our limitations)
10. love
11. reassurance
12. respect
13. support
14. trust
15. understanding
16. warmth

• Play

1. fun
2. laughter

• Spiritual Communion

1. beauty
2. harmony
3. inspiration
4. order
5. peace

• Physical Nurturance

1. air
2. food
3. movement, exercise
4. protection from life-threatening forms of life: viruses, bacteria, insects, predatory animals
5. rest
6. sexual expression
7. shelter
8. touch
9. water